From late December 2022: ✨ H A P P I N E S S ✨ Today in the studio I finished a piece I have been working on for the last three months as I attempted to map out my mind during a manic/psychotic episode. After seeing the beautiful smile on a black man’s face at TU, (he was polishing the floors) after three months of persistent 24/7 demonic voices, angelic music, robotic instructions, beeps, chirps, satanic laughter, words, words, words, streams and ribbons and rivers and oceans of words, my voices and I stumbled upon the simple, elegant, and humble word “happiness.” I hope this piece serves as a reminder of how dense and bewildering the mind can be for people with mental illness, as for months the thoughts can fixate on torture, death, illness, loneliness, and decay, without ever even *remembering* the word ”happiness.” I cried for a second in my studio while my alter S comforted me before we made a note about the piece and the man in my studio notebook, then S talked me into going back out into the hallway to invite the man into my studio, which I did in a fragmented attempt to ask him into a Christmas kind of moment with me to explain how important his smile as to me (us) as I showed him the piece. He seemed a little overwhelmed but was smiling the whole time, and simply asked me if I was ok as I stood there with tears in my eyes. I shook it off and said I felt really good, and then he wished me a Happy Holiday. He took a long look around my studio and gave me another really nice big smile before closing the door. I feel really blessed to finish this piece today. I have felt so much joy and love throughout my psychosis, it seems sort of silly that the word “happiness” never surfaced in such a florid way, elation or ecstasy yes, but happiness in such a vibrant, perfect, simple way? It was just…perfect. more happiness please. More more more.

HAPPINESS detail